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She had the relationship everyone wanted. The kind you wait for all your life. He treated her like the queen she stated she was every day. Made sure she was happy, on her terms. Keeping money in her pocket, natural hair cared for and laid at the shop every two weeks.

Picking her up and dropping her off to her destinations like the precious packages that sits daintily strapped near the front inside a new Amazon van, still freshly cleaned and padded with cushioned material. The vacations, gifts, and proposal that proved his ultimate love for her.

We watched for a few years how his love for her grew and her feelings for him stayed stagnated as she molded him to understand his job, to epitomize and shower her with how grateful he was to even have an opportunity to be in her presence.

Not even to mention the sparing times she allows him to ravish her, then send him immediately on his way. She’s the queen. She branded her title in his world through her soft demands.

The more he made sure she felt loved, she decided her privilege was already spoken for. After years of dealing with and loving her, as soon as she started to finally notice his pull back, he was already telling her it was over.

No emotion initially, yet time to think afterward (eventually) allowed her to assess her part in this togetherness, ruined by her (now realization) foolishness.

Single Friend to the Rescue

As besties, my friends and I tend to discuss our relationship’s highs and lows with each other to vent and sometimes to receive empathy or suggestions. I am that single friend and have been for a decade. Though my marriage doesn’t mirror the story above, it was explicitly a learning curve that ended for multiple reasons, communication being one of them.

Being on the mature end to understand that there is always something to learn in relationships is where we need more discussion over wine.

So many times, being a new wife or partner in a relationship, there are ways we have to navigate how to be a teammate, supporter, sounding board, or give and receive love including care and compromise.

We learn at the most intense times that wives are a special kind and husbands, a special breed when it comes to becoming a couple. Even asking ourselves, Why the hell did I choose this one? How the hell can I get out of here?

Your Arguments Are Your Fault

As a woman, I think about how I possibly learned to communicate. Did I learn listening to my parents talk to each other, from the independent lessons they taught me how to speak in public (code-switching included) in this area, or was it, my favorite teacher, from 3rd grade? Possibly a bit from all.

I believe how I or if at communicated was the beginning of the list of issues that brought us to the end. As I have moved forward, I always look back at what didn’t work to help connections in future relationships. I have just over the last few years been able to get over the hurt from divorce and being placed in a position of single parenthood.

First, I have learned that most men may not give you an immediate answer. Looking back I was very adamant with my questions and concerns that I posed to him to be responded to in the very moment conversation or disagreement. 

I was fooled to think, If I can answer and discuss this issue now, so can he. Yep, he needed a minute to process or may have wanted to avoid allowing his anger to spill out in the middle of my emotional concerns.

So, when my friends tell me how their guy ignored them while they were talking, walked away, or said he needed a minute, I reminded her that it is what he needed. They come back in their time. Give them a minute!

Next, men = ego and women = “emo”. I was told this by a good friend. I had never really understood that until I finally paid attention to his non or low response to something that rubbed me the wrong way or even brought me to tears.

Continuing to prove that he didn’t understand what was wrong with me at that moment. Just another reminder to my girlfriends that he won’t always be as emotional or responsive as you expect at that time. They are not emotional beings in that manner.

Conclusion

In relationships, you should treat him well (or leave him alone). I remember early in my relationship that I was so independent, having only myself to consider for so long, that what he wanted and needed was secondary.

That changed for the better down the line. Enough of closing off your partner will have you on your own wondering what happened. Simple consideration goes a long way. If this is a chore then you’re not that into him anyway.

Remember, Men are from Venus, Women are from Mars is not just a book, it plays true each day in the couples’ kingdom. When I come across folks who believe that single people can’t advise on relationships and marriage, I interject.

Just think about it, there is no other place I would rather be than having discussions about what not to do in a relationship or marriage with someone who is no longer in theirs. When I, your single friend, speak about saving your relationships, take heed, and take notes.

Do you find that your friends are there to save you from your relationships?